The Owner's manual
READ THE OWNERS MANUAL!!!!!!!
|I once unpacked a SCSI drive shipped from Bubba's in Louisiana,
arrived with this article in the packaging. No kidding!
IMPORTANT! READ THIS BEFORE USING YOUR NEW DEVICE
|Congratulations! You have purchased an extremely fine device that
give you thousands of years of trouble-free service, except that you
undoubtedly will destroy it via some typical bonehead consumer maneuver.
Which is why we ask you to:
PLEASE FOR GOD'S SAKE READ THIS OWNER'S MANUAL CAREFULLY BEFORE
We're sorry. We just get a little crazy sometimes because we're
1. UNPACKING THE DEVICE
|The device is encased in foam to protect it from the Shipping People,
who like nothing more than to jab spears into outgoing boxes.
PLEASE INSPECT THE CONTENTS CAREFULLY FOR GASHES OR IDA MAE BARKER'S
Ida Mae really wants that ring back, because it is her only proof
WARNING: DO NOT EVER AS LONG AS YOU LIVE THROW AWAY THE BOX OR
ANY OF THE
If you attempt to return the device to the store, and you are missing
Besides the device, the box should contain:
* Eight little rectangular snippets of paper that say "WARNING"
YOU WILL NEED TO SUPPLY: a matrix wrench and 60,000 feet
WARNING: This is assuming your spouse's name is Margaret. And not
2. PLUGGING IN THE DEVICE
|The plug on this device represents the latest thinking of the
electrical industry's Plug Mutation Group, which, in a continuing
effort to prevent consumers from causing hazardous electrical
current to flow through their appliances, developed the Three-Pronged
Plug, then the Plug Where One Prong is Bigger Than the Other. Your
device is equipped with the revolutionary new Plug Whose Prongs
Consist of Six Small Religious Figurines Made of Chocolate.
DO NOT TRY TO PLUG IT IN!
Lay it gently on the floor near an outlet, but out of direct sunlight,
WARNING: WHEN YOU ARE LAYING THE PLUG ON THE FLOOR, DO NOT HOLD
3. OPERATION OF THE DEVICE
|WARNING: WE MANUFACTURE ONLY THE ATTRACTIVE DESIGNER CASE. THE
WORKING CENTRAL PARTS OF THE DEVICE ARE MANUFACTURED IN JAPAN. THE
INSTRUCTIONS WERE TRANSLATED BY MRS. SHIRLEY PELTWATER OF ACCOUNTS
RECEIVABLE, WHO HAS NEVER ACTUALLY BEEN TO JAPAN BUT DOES HAVE MOST OF
"SHOGUN" ON TAPE.
INSTRUCTIONS: For results that can be the finest, it is our
|Be it hereby known that this device, together with but not excluding
all those certain parts thereunto, shall be warrantied against all
defects, failures and malfunctions as shall occur between now and
Thursday afternoon shortly before 2, during which time the
Manufacturer will, at no charge to the Owner, send the device to our
Service People, who will emerge from their caves and engage in
rituals designed to cleanse it of evil spirits. This warranty does not
cover the attractive designer case.